Kidding Myself

I don’t want to keep kidding myself, if I am, in fact, just kidding myself. I hope that makes sense. Do we ever really know if we’re just telling ourselves the stories we want to hear? Are we creating some grand narrative that only takes a hint of reality into account? Each lie we tell ourselves becomes such an intricate web in our consciousness that it becomes real. That’s delusional. Am I delusional?

Sometimes I feel so foolish as I keep saying “when I get a little stronger, maybe I can…” or “as soon as I’m not on oxygen…” It seems like I’m a broken record lately, even to my own ears. It must be painfully pitiful to listen to this nonsense as someone who’s heard my spiel so many times. And it’s become so routine to tell this same theme to everyone: “Yes, I JUST got out of the hospital AGAIN. I was starting to come around a little bit but I got tossed back a few steps. Once my muscles start getting stronger and once my endurance improves, and once I WIN THE LOTTERY OF HEALTH AND NEVER HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN, I will be just fine.” Smile.

And for the most part, I really have meant it. I really did imagine myself back in good (a relative term) health, able to walk for miles jamming to my iPhone, dancing with good friends, laughing a deep hearty breathy laugh, and living a real honest-to-goodness-in-the-sunshine-kinda life. Of late, however, I’ve begun to seriously consider that this might be another good ol’ story that I’m telling myself in order to get me through the hard times. Memories that are only that- remembrances of a youth that I squandered on not knowing how tough things would really get. Maybe, quite possibly, I’m never going back to that life. And I’m terrified. Because I love to live.

So I don’t want to keep setting myself up for heartbreak. I don’t want to give up hope, either, because I know I have much more fight in me, but how much more do I really have? Sometimes, I’m not very certain. It’s a fine line to walk. How MUCH MORE?

Spending more time on the ventilator this past week opened my eyes to some new truths about my life and how it’s changing all the time. Some for good, some it seems for the worse. My lungs are taking in oxygen in very well and sound great, but now my body is having too much difficulty getting rid of carbon dioxide in exchange, apparently. It has to do with my kidney disease and other factors. I’m not even sure what happened. There are always multiple forces playing on each other every time I’m sick. There are lots of terms being thrown around that bring me to tears at any random point in a day, and each time I talk to a doctor who tells me a little more about this puzzle of mine that we’re trying to put together I just want to tune them out and pretend I’m invisible, I want to wish the problems away.

I don’t want to keep kidding myself. Because I love to live. So I won’t kid. I’ll FIGHT. That’s all I know how to do for now.

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9 Responses to Kidding Myself

  1. i wish i could give you couple weeks of health and freedom, to bad it could be like a blood transfusion.

  2. Vicky Losey says:

    My dear Lynette, you mean the world to so many. You have taught me so much about life and there’s really too many reasons why to mention. You are a very intelligent, loving, sweet and most of all, the best of friends. So GLAD you still have FIGHT in you. Love you my precious friend.

  3. Marie Edlund says:

    My dearest Lyn..Please fight as hard as you can……I can’t imagine a life without my favorite brat(aka my little witch in training) being away from my life. I love you more than you could ever know. I’ll buy you a box of chocolates and a brand new flashlight. We can throw more silver dollars in the Paint River…… We have a lot of new memories to make!!!! XOXOX😢😢😢

  4. Rachel says:

    Trust in our savior Jesus Christ and give yourself to him…💛🌹
    If you try to save your life, your gonna lose it… But if you give your life to Christ
    Your gonna gain it! Faith can move mountains sister ❣❣❣🙏🏽 God
    Bless you and heal you in Jesus precious name Amen

    • Diane Coronado says:

      Amen & Amen! This my dear Lyn IS your answer…prayers are so important, especially our intercessory prayers for your healing…but Jesus is so much deeper than any prayer & it’s only through a personal relationship with Him that we can have hope of complete healing. Isaiah 53:5 says “But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, & by His wounds we are healed.”(NLT) I too believe you still have a lot to accomplish here on Earth. And I appreciate your gut wrenching honesty in how you are feeling lately. It is very hard for those who love & care for you so much & are use to your usual positivity to hear the tough but honest words you gave us in your message. But it is important to express what you really feel & it is also very understandable. What ,my sister in Connie, I will be praying for you specifically at this time is for not only your body to be healed but also for your beautiful spirit of hope to be renewed. I too say, trust Him & He will never leave you & believe that He only works “all things for our good”. Hold tight & #stayCONNIESTRONG! Love, Diane

  5. Aaron S says:

    Lyn, you are one potent individual. I devour all of your writing and it is clear from your words that state of your body is not a reflection of your mind. Over these past couple years much of your story has been shared with my students- from simply talking about having to be packed and ready to go within 30 minutes for the helicopter ride, to using Learning Love from Dogs as a writing prompt. I don’t really pray, but I think about you and tell people your story more than I am sure you know. Thank you for being a beacon of light in a world where some folks forget how.

  6. Susan Bilski says:

    As I cry reading your words , I also smile at your
    Powerful mind. Your words are heart
    Wrenching but yet absolutely true.
    You are way beyond your age in wisdom
    And yet have to experience all of this hardship .
    If I had one genie wish ….. it of course
    Would be to make you whole again.
    It has been my gift from you just being
    A part of your life since 5 years old.
    You truly are the greatest fighter I have
    Ever known and I am so thankful for that.
    There are no perfect words to say to make
    This all go away….. but the love and joy
    You have brought to our family is embedded
    In our hearts forever. We love you and will
    Always be here for you .
    Thank you for being that one in a million
    Person we all get to know once in a lifetime.
    All my love … Susan and family 💋❤️

  7. Daniel Gianstefani says:

    Hey Lynn, we only met briefly in Madison transplant house but I was impressed by your spirit. Don’t go gently into the dark night, keep fighting and keep winning against your demons. Every day is a victory and every moment you are able to enjoy is a testament to your unquenchable inner fire. Your body is weak right now, and it’s hard to realistically imagine a brighter future but the night can be darkest before the dawn.

    I believe you can pull through, but whether or not you do doesn’t change your impact on the world and on the people you meet.

    Keep shining.

    Regards from sunny England

  8. Patti says:

    Wow…Daniel KNOWS your heart and spirit. I second what he said, Lyn. Lots of LOVE and PRAYERS for strength and healing being said for you in Ontonagon, Chicago, and Madison from Bruce, Andrzej, Suzanne, Jordan and me.

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